so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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