It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
