She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
