So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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