She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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