just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
