Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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