I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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