Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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