Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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