Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize