i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
