i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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