they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
