totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
a search helicopter?!
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
