the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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