I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
