Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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