do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
