Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
