so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
