If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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