drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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