Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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