I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you would pick up someone in the library
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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