I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
