The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drake has all the answers
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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