i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
