It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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