and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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