We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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