I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
