He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
