I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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