I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
