Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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