dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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