I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
