it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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