My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jerry, you need to find god
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
