Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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