You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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