So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
