Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Life without a bra equals bliss.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
