dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
