I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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