He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
