my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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