just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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