I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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