Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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