U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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