It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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