I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
