I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
