Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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