When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
