Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
