i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
