im about as happy as oj after his trial
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
